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No Luck

For some strange reason I agreed to driving to Ohio with my girlfriend, her father, and his girlfriend. I,ve been sitting in the car with them for an hour and a half now and I haven’t wished i could smoke more ever in my life.

Thank god for my tablet, my phone, and my iPod. If not for them I’d surely be going crazy from the constant christian music being pumped through the radio, her fathers girlfriends constant complaints, and the fact that my girlfriend has decided to fall asleep on my lap effectively numbing my leg completely.

Fredrick Chopin can’t even pull me away from it enough to not want to kill myself. It seems like every time I think I’m going to be able to survive life without a joint i get thrown into a situation that makes me want one even more.

I finally got my first probation date which makes this weekend even more enjoyable now that I have that to think about this whole weekend. I really just hope I get a cool, laid back probation officer if such a thing even exists. Maybe I’ll get one who understands my situation and that I’m not some kind of criminal and doesn’t piss test me constantly and without warning. I can only hope for the best I guess, but with my luck I’ll probably get the worst probabtion officer ever.

I drug tested myself and I was clean. I found out yesterday that my probation won’t start for almost another month. So I decided to do a little experiment.

Last night I smoked for the first time in 25 days. It was amazing. I don’t know if it was just good weed or if not smoking for almost a month just made it seem that way but who really cares. I spent so much time with my girlfriend and her dog. Her dog was so soft. I was so relaxed. I’ve missed these feelings. These sensations.

Now i am going to give it a few days. On either Thursday or Friday of this week i will test myself again. I should be clean by then. Hopefully all goes well and I am. If not I may need to detox myself but thats all part of the experiment.

By all accounts I’ve read when clean it takes between 3 and 5 days for all traces of THC to be flushed and not show in urine. This will test that for me. If I’m clean by then i will try again and test a day or 2 earlier. Then i will know exactly how long my body takes to metabolize the THC.

When you’re an every day pothead this is just useful info. I suggest trying this even if you aren’t on probation. It’s always good to know just in case.

Today I found out my true worth to other people. I’m worth less than someone who knows absolutely nothing and is willing to only do what they have to. i’ve spent more time trying to prove my worth to people and working my hardest to prove myself. Apparently it’s been all worth nothing.

I work in IT, and I’ve always thought of myself as a damn good tech. I may not know as much as others but i’m always willing… No, i always want to learn. Somehow all my work and years of experience is worth less than a green tech right out of school who is only worried about getting paid and going home. Even after my review and a raise, I’m still worth less.

On top of that nothing I say to my girlfriend makes a damn of a difference. I knew she had confidence issues, but when I tell her how beautiful and amazing and great she is day after day, to find out that doesn’t mean a shred of anything to her makes me wonder if I really honestly mean much of anything to anyone.

I’ve been doing my best to not smoke a bowl. I’ve been trying so hard after so long of smoking multiple times a day to not give in. I want to make it through probation and just get the fuck out of this state. But after a day like today i just want to give in. Part of me things it might be worth it just to say fuck it all. After all what am I really losing if no one thinks i’m worth jack and ky girlfriend doesn’t even believe in the things I say?

I Was Happier Then

I’m sure some people will take this the wrong way and I’m sure some will say it’s because marijuana just makes you not care about anything, but I was happier when I could smoke. Yes it helped that I could tollerate things more and things didn’t bother me as much. It also gave me some time to forget about all the problems that I had going on at the time. But sometimes thats exactly what you need. Being stressed out over the things that are bothering you all the time isn’t helping anymore than being high all the time to forget. Thats not how it ever was for me though.

It allowed me to enjoy the things I love in my life more fully. It allowed me to focus on the things I care about instead of having bills and problems running through my head all the time. Now my only release is alcohol. Which doesn’t really help me enjoy anything. I can’t work on my car or fix computers or do much of anything while drunk. And if anything I end up thinking more on my problems and just get depressed.

I don’t see any of the effects of marijuana as typical drug addict behavior. I never needed pot. I never got sick from it or over used it to the point I got sick. It never impaired me in anything I did. Maybe I’m not the typical stoner or weed effects me differently, but I just can’t see anything that does these things as a harmful drug.

I lay here in my gf’s bed thinking about the fight we just had and can’t help but think if I were high that woukd never have taken place. We would be both enjoying ourselves feeling good and munching on chips and dip watching Rango instead.

My mind just keeps going back to wondering why I was the unlucky guy who got arrested… I feel like this has done nothing but hindered my quality of life. Some people take antidepressants, some go talk to a psychologist or see a psychiatrist, but give me a nice blunt or well packed bowl and thats all the psychological therepy I need.

On the only recent up note I piss tested myself with one of those at home tests on Saturday and it showed negative. I’ll probably stay clean for now and then once I take a couple piss tests for probation and know for sure I pass i’m going to experiment with how long it stays in my system.

I’m assuming after smoking every day for years and only stopping for a little over 2 weeks to be clean I should be clean quick after one time smoking. Hopefully thats something to be justified in hoping for.

Good night all. I’ll catch you another day.

That Sweet Sweet Smell

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I’ve been so busy the last few days with trying to remanage my bills thanks to the fines and fees I had to pay for being arrested that I haven’t thought as much about smoking. The stress has been killing me but I guess it’s a good thing my mind’s been busy with something else for a change.

That is until I was on my way to work this morning…

I’m on call at work this week so I have to be up earlier than usual. Because of this I took my time driving to work today. I don’t know if this is the reason or not, but it’s the first time I noticed a huge area at the beginning of one of the roads on my route to work has that “Oh so pleaseant” aroma we all know and love.

It was so strong I pulled over and thought about getting out to track down its source. I quickly remembered that it was a futile task as even if I did find it I couldn’t do anything with it. Thanks to my new friend Mr.Probation I have to abstain for now.

As I sat in my car at the side of the road flashes of the taste and memories of the feeling rushed through my mind. I’ve been left thinking about it all day now and find myself salivating over the thoughts.

It makes me wonder if everyone in my position get those same cravings. If you do comment on my post and let me know how it is for you.

I’d like to take some time to thank Allan Marain for taking the time to speak with me regarding my arrest and court proceedings. I contacted himĀ  right after my arrest and quickly heard back from him which helped greatly, especially since the court date I was given was the next day.

He was very knowledgable regarding marijuana laws in NJ and gave me a plethora of information over the phone and directed me to resources online that assisted in my court case without hesitation. If you’re arrested in the state of NJ for marijuana related charges I would highly recomend giving him a call as soon as possible.

You can find him on the Norml NJ website as well as his site at NJMarijuana.com. Both websites have great information as well on the subject, but I still suggest giving Allan a call.

It just goes to show you there are some people out there willing to fight for the rights of the average everday pothead. I’m very glad for the people in my life that still support me like my girlfriend, my brothers, and my parents despite being arrested.

I’m feeling better today. Hopefully things continue going this way and if you’re in a similar situation as I am comment away!

It’s now been 6 days since I last smoked. This is the longest I’ve gone without since my first puff.

I’ve read time and time again that there is no withdrawl associated with marijuana, so I don’t know if it’s the depression, if I’m going crazy, or just the fact that I miss smoking that much but I keep smelling marijuana in the air. As fast as I can recognize the odor it’s gone again.

If I’m not crazy it may just drive me there. It seems to happen more when I’m driving. Maybe it’s because I’m so focused on driving that my subconcious mind is playing tricks on me. I wish it would stop.

The court fees along with unforseen car repairs have put me in a bad financial situation at the moment which only adds to the depression. And without my usual pick me up of a bowl I get no reprieve from it. I don’t think I’ve said I should just kill myself more than I have recently since I was an overly emotional teenager in highschool getting dumped by my first long term girlfriend.

I’ve been spending a lot of time this past week wondering why I was the unlucky one who got arrested. Why not one of the losers or deadbeats that smoke? I work, I pay my bills on time, and I help my family and friends out whenever I can. Outside of marijuana I don’t really break the law. Hell, most of the time I don’t even go over speed limit when I drive… Is my luck just really that shitty?

Maybe with all this bad luck I’ve had recently I have some good luck heading my way. I think I’ll go buy myself a lottery ticket to promote this faint optimism.

Here’s to hoping things get better soon.

As much as I try to make believe, alcohol just can’t replace the feeling I miss. It makes me forget for a bit but I still crave THC. It’s like trying to replace sky diving with bungee jumping. It works for a minute but then you realize you’re on the kiddie coaster, not the 500 foot drop of death.

I haven’t been without weed in years now. It’s almost become a ritual. I come home, I smoke, and I enjoy my night the way I want. I can’t compair the satisfaction I’d feel ending my night with a bowl, curling up with my girlfriend, and watching some television.

I feel like my life is unwinding around me. I hope it’s just my perception and not reality. It’s been obly 4 days since I smoked, but it feels like an eternity. I haven’t gone this long without my sweet Mary Jane since I met her. I can only hope this gets easier as time goes on.

I started watching anime again. Something I haven’t done since I started smoking. I don’t want things to go back to the way they use to be. I like the me that marijuana created. A more stable more normal me. One that can function more normally in social situations. One that can do the things he enjoys when he wants.

I’m already looking forward to getting out of NJ and heading to a more pot friendly state. Right now I don’t think I’ll make it ’til then.

After the Arrest

Let me start off by saying that I’m not here to rag on the police that arrested me or talk about the arrest. The officers were just doing their job and I was the one who broke the law by having marijuana and paraphernalia in my car when I was approached by the detectives that arrested me. You can look all over the internet and find normal every day people who are arrested for marijuana complaining about being arrested for something that shouldn’t be illegal. I’m not a bad person and I’m not here to defend myself or complain about my situation.

It’s been 4 days since the arrest and 3 days since my court date. Everything’s happened so fast but I’d rather that then some drawn out process meaning I’ll be stuck on probation till a later date. In court after representing myself I left with a conditional discharge, meaning I payed a shitload of money and I’m stuck on probation for the next year.

I had my last blunt the other night before probation starts. I wish so badly it could have lasted longer. It was probably the most emotional smoke I’ve ever had. I will miss it very much.

I know marijuana effects everyone differently. For me it’s always been something that helps me enjoy the things I already love. It adds motivation to do things where there was none and allows me to experience things I wouldn’t have tried or expected to like otherwise. Now I’m without that motivation and so far I’ve been pretty depressed. I guess that’s to be expected since I was arrested for the first time ever.

I’ve already started to replace marijuana with alcohol… As you can find pretty much anywhere, marijuana is much safer that alcohol and causes less problems (outside of with the law). I don’t even enjoy drinking that much. The past few years I’d replaced alcohol completely with marijuana. I enjoy it more and I retain all my functionality. Usually I work on PC’s and on my car while high. I would never trust myself working on a PC or my car with alcohol. I’ve heard of legal alternatives to marijuana like K2 and voodoo spice and spice gold, but none seem to be as safe as marijuana actually is.

I don’t know how this next year will pan out for me but so far it appears it’s going to be a rough one. The past few years have gone by so well and I’ve learned so much and taught myself so much. I’ll be back to keep you updated on how the lack of marijuana and probation has effected my life.

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